There are so many things rattling around in my brain that I have to get out. I have had to contain myself all summer from posting multiple times a day as I am a recovering post-a-holic. Seriously it is really hard for me. I just started this blog on May 11, 2007, and I already have more than 150 posts written before this. I have enough post saved up and scheduled to post for the next week and a half. I love writing. I can’t stop it even if I wanted to. The ideas just come to me.
I just had to write about life and the randomosity (I know that it’s not a real word) of it all. Up one day; down the next. I hate it. This thing we call life-this rollercoaster- is so confusing. I am in such turmoil. I am in the midst of a personal crisis. I am having trouble believing things that I used to believe. Life is funny like that. Ya’ know. You wake up one day and everything is different. What happened? What changed my way of thinking? Why did I stop believing? I don’t know why, but I have. I would like to go back….well, not go back, but just feel the way that I used to feel when I really believed in something.
When I started this post, as I sometimes do, I didn’t know where I wanted to go with this, but it’s starting to take shape. I want to get out my thoughts, especially how I’m feeling about this crisis that I’m experiencing and have been experiencing for about a year.
When I went back to school I changed. I found out stuff about myself that I didn’t know. I discovered the “me” that was emerging so long ago that I put to the side once I became a mother at such a young age. Becoming a mother so early was a good and a bad thing for me.
It was good in that I had to become responsible at such an early age. It was bad because I resented it.
I have often become depressed thinking about all the opportunities that I let slip through my fingers when I had to leave college and move back home. I had a free ride and I blew it. My tuition was paid for, the dorms, my books, everything. Why did I blow it? I am always sabotaging myself. Why? That is what I would like to know. I was even sabotaging myself with my degree that I fought so long and hard to get. I only had one class that I finally took the final for. I got a “B” by the way. I took so long to complete my application for grad school even though I know that my future is riding on it. I put off taking the CSET even though I had loads of time last summer. I am really going through a serious crisis on this particular issue.