As I am listening to Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” on XM 806, I am taken back to a sadder time in my life. A time when I considered ending it all. I sat, with my head hanging down, as I thought about what life would be like without me in it. How would my mother feel? Who would discover my body? Would I be in a better place?
I prayed, asking God for a sign when what should come on the radio, but “Hold On”. I lay, with tears streaming down my face, thanking God for sending me a sign. Obviously I didn’t end my life that day and I’m glad that I didn’t.
When I think about situations in my life, I think of them in terms of songs and t.v. shows. It may sound weird, but that’s what I do. That’s one of the reasons that “It’s a Wonderful Life” is one of my favorite movies of all times. Jimmy Stewart’s character in the movie, George, wishes that he had never been born. He gets his wish, but it’s not what he thought it would be. He sees what life would have been like without him and it’s not pretty. He sees all the lives he didn’t touch and make better. It puts everything into perspective for him and makes his problems seem small.
While I can’t say that that happened to me, I did reflect on times in my life when I made a difference in someone’s life. I thought about what would have happened to that person if I had not been there. Would that someone have taken the path that I was going to take and end it all? I hope not. I shudder to think about what could have happened. Thankfully I don’t have to find out.
All of this reminiscing reminds me of my current class. I think about Lito being sent to another school. Was it because my time was up with him and I could not do any more for him? Did he require more than I had? I don’t think that I’ll ever know the answer to that. I just have to keep on doing what I’m doing and hope that I make a difference in someone.
A veteran teacher told me when I first started that I couldn’t save everyone and I thought that she was so cruel. I have since found out that she is right. I cannot save everyone. My problem is that I take the weight of the world on my shoulders. One of my goals is to try not to think of myself as the savior of the world. It’s too much for any one person to bear.
While it is true that one person can make a difference, it’s also true that it takes a village to raise a child. No one can do it alone. I will continue to build relationships with my student’s parents so that we will make up the village.
And as always, here’s to continued success, now and in the future!