Learning How To Ask For Things, part 2

I am up, at what my brother-in-law calls butt-crack hours of the morning, because I can’t sleep. I am thinking about my post from last week about learning how to ask for what I want. Well, there’s a second part to that.

Since I am on vacation and consequently have so much time on my hands, I have been doing a lot of thinking. This is piggybacking off the first part of this post from a couple of days ago when I talked about how I need to learn how to ask for things. I was trying to pinpoint the source of all this. Of course I had to go back to my childhood. Since I have so many brothers and sisters (11), there was almost never enough money. So I learned not to ask for things. I also realized that, in addition to that, I learned not to want things either.I realized that I am afraid to want anything because I don’t want to deal with the disappointment of not getting it.

I thought that when I got older that things would be different. They are in a way, but not too much. I go through great ups and downs- both financially and emotionally.

Money passes through my hands in great amounts. Whenever I need money badly enough, I will get what I need plus some. However, it comes in spurts so I’ll probably be behind by the time I get it. So, needless to say, it’s gone almost before I get it. That is my dilemna now. I need to get off of this financial and emotional rollercoaster. It is having such a negative impact on me.

I know that life shouldn’t and doesn’t have to be like this. I want and need better than this. I am so extremely frustrated. I need some help with getting my financial house in order. I know that I can do better than this. I have to. I want to want things and know that because I go to work and work hard for money that I can get it.

I have never understood people who went to work everyday and didn’t have anything. Sadly, now, I have become that person and it is not fun. I don’t like it. I am making this vow to myself, right here and now, that this will be the last year that I will suffer through financial instability. I will do what I need to do this year so that I and my family won’t suffer like this anymore.

I don’t believe in making New Year’s resolutions. Making resolutions at the beginning of the year and not following through is not what I believe in. I believe in evaluating needs as they present themselves. Right now, I see that my financial situation needs tending to in a major way.

I’ll be reporting on my successes as well as my failures this year. I hope to learn from my failures and profit from my successes.

Join me on my journey, won’t you!

Until next time!

This Year…

This year has been a very cathartic one for me. It has been a very humbling experience of letting go of old and outdated concepts and friendships.

This year, I learned that I can finish things. Obtaining my once, oh so elusive B.A. was something that I have wanted for at least 10 years. It was the culmination of 18 years of going to school off and on while having and raising four children.

This year, I learned so much about myself. I CAN do what I want.

This year, I, along with millions of others, discovered “The Secret”.

This year, I finally realized my dream of becoming a teacher. Even though it hasn’t been all that I’d thought, I am still so very happy that I have begun the first leg of my journey to help change the world one child at a time.

This year, I learned just how much my husband supports and takes care of me. After 19 years, I admit that sometimes I can take him for granted. However, sometimes you have to stop and realize what’s in front of you.

This year, I started grad school.

This year, my oldest son graduated from high school. One down, three to go.
This year, my middle son started eleventh grade.

This year, my youngest son started fifth grade.

This year, my daughter started kindergarten.

This year, my children are 5, 10, 16, and 18.

This year, I learned the true meaning of hard work. In addition to working and raising four children, I had to do a lot of juggling. Here’s the story: I was deficient a few units. So, in order to finish my degree in time to graduate with my cohort, I was attending four schools: Azusa Pacific on Wednesday, Friday and some Saturdays, R.O.P. in West Covina on some Saturdays, Los Angeles Southwest College on Monday, and finally, Los Angeles Mission College on Sunday. Phew, was I glad when I finished.

This year, I faced some of my greatest fears. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully get over the feeling that I’m not good enough, but I faced it. Going way to Azusa, I felt so out of place. Not to mention how drained I was. Initially I didn’t feel like I fit it. I was one of the only blacks in the program. I felt out of place, but told myself that people are peopole no matter what color they are. Ya’ know what. I ended up making some very good friends once I got over myself and my fears.

This year is almost at an end. So, until next time people!

On Being Multi-Talented…

Earlier in the week I was speaking to a friend of mine about having a job that you like. She, of course, doesn’t like her job. She is very unhappy and wants another job. She was contemplating quitting her job and was asking God for a sign. As an answer to that request, someone gave her a tape by T.D. Jakes. In it he talks about working in a hostile environment. He also talked about how crazy it is to have only one source of income.

td-jakes.gifOnce you think about it, it is not financially sound to have only one source of income. What would happen should you lose that job? You would then be up the proverbial creek without a paddle. I concurred wholeheartedly with him.

In fact I am on my way out the door to go over her house. I was supposed to be going over her house but just could not get out the house. I was napping and did not know that David was still here. Usually Phillip takes him to the park with him on Saturday mornings. It was only supposed to be me and Phillise. Once I found out that David was here, it threw my plans off. It took all day to get him dressed. Phillise didn’t want to put her stockings on. My brother called on the way out the door. I couldn’t find my cell phone. Blah, blah, blah…

I am so frustrated right now. I don’t like when my plans get derailed. Sometimes I am flexible, but more often than not, I’m not. I am trying to calm down, but am just so frustrated.

Anyway, back to the lecture at hand, I really like our relationship because when she needs strength or a shoulder to cry on I am there for her and vice versa. We are on a mission to do things differently in 2008.

We are both multi-talented. I can write. I can cook like nobody’s business. I can also organize a party like nobody’s business. I am multi-talented and proud of it. I say that with all sincerity and no conceit. I have embraced my abilities and am proud of ’em. Now it is time to profit from them.

Since I couldn’t make it over her house today, we are going to talk on the phone to get together the first part of our plan. She’s going to give me a copy of the T.D. Jakes tape tomorrow.

Here’s looking to the future. A better one where I’m financially stable.

Until next time people!

Learning How To Ask For Things!

I have a bad habit of not asking for what I want. I didn’t even realize that I didn’t ask for what I wanted until I was talking to my husband and he told me that he couldn’t read my mind. I was shocked that he would say that. I thought that I was pretty clear about telling him what I wanted, but obviously not or he wouldn’t have said that to me.I’m glad that he told me that or else I wouldn’t have reflected back on my bad habit of not asking for what I want. Once I thought about it, I realized it was true. My thoughts immediately took me to a time when I was in junior high school and I didn’t ask to go on the camping trip.

Growing up with so many sisters and brothers with not a lot of money, I learned not to ask for too much. In fact, I stopped asking for stuff altogether. I remember in junior high school, my junior high school, Bret Harte Junior High School, was going on a camping trip. It was only $10, but I didn’t ask my mother because I didn’t want to be told no because I knew that she didn’t have the money. Although $10 wasn’t a lot of money, back in 1984, it seemed insurmountable to me because there were so many of us and so little money.

My brother who was also in band asked my mother. Of course she told him no because there was no money. She asked me why I didn’t ask her to go also. I told her the truth, that I didn’t ask because I didn’t think that there was enough money. Although I’m sure she didn’t have the money, she told me that I should have asked anyway.

I guess I never learned my lesson because to this day I rarely ask for anything.

This is hampering me in my relationships both private and professional. This situation also came up with my principal at work. She said that I wasn’t asking for what I needed. This is not true. I actually made a list of all the necessary programs and equipment that I felt I needed to successfully do my job. The problem is that I gave it to the APEIS who ceremoniously forgot about it. So, in this case it was unfounded.

Once the APEIS realized that she was the one that wasn’t taking care of business she felt silly because she realized that I was trying to communicate my needs to her but she was the one who dropped the ball. Not me. In this case, it was a matter of not getting the list to the right person. The principal advised me to come to her if the APEIS isn’t doing her job. I, however, find it hard to believe that she would be of any help to me since I have asked for help with the management of my students. To which she replied (and I quote), ” I don’t know where you think this magical help is supposed to come from”.

At any rate, I will make it a habit of asking for what I want. That, and communication, are what I will be working on this year.

Join me in my journey won’t you!

He’s Not Heavy. He’s My Brother!

I spoke with a family member recently about building trust, relationships and self-esteem. I was telling her about how much work I put into my class- both emotionally and physically.

She was very supportive and offered me some advice that I am taking to heart. It was so simple that I don’t think that I would have thought of it.Well, she’s a counselor at a camp for underprivileged chldren. We discussed that exercise where someone has to trust you enough to fall back into your arms. She told me that this is a great trust building exercise. They don’t need to fall far; just far enough where they fall into your chest. Just enough for you to earn their trust.

I slapped my forehead.

“Why didn’t I think of that?” I thought to myself.

My job is a lot of responsibility. It is not one to be taken lightly. Even though I may go through a lot, I can take care of myself. These children can’t. I am having a hard time but I am committed to helping these children.

Their lot in life is much harder than mine. My job is to help them. Isn’t that what life is all about? Aren’t we supposed to help the downtrodden and less fortunate? Holding up our unfortunate brothers and sisters are what those who are more fortunate are supposed to do. That is why holding up someone shouldn’t make your arms tired. My arms cannot get tired holding someone up. After all, he’s not heavy. He’s my brother!

I am thinking of more things that I can do to build a community among my students. If anyone out there knows of anything else, please feel free to leave comments.

A New Year, A New Note! part 2

What I was alluding to earlier and did not get to was that I am at an impasse. I’m at that proverbial fork in the road again. No that’s not right. I’m not at a fork in the road. I know where I want to go. The problem is that I think that I may have a long road ahead of me before I get to where I want to get to. But I guess that everyone needs to pay dues of one type or another.

The point that I was getting at earlier was that I feel like a fool. I’ve felt like that since my second week when I realized that I was probably only hired because I didn’t have any experience teaching and therefore didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

I was so enthusiastic only 6 weeks ago when I first started. Even though I only wanted to be a self-contained teacher of a Special Day Class (SDC) for as long as it took to get the experience that I need to move on to a different job as a Resource teacher (RSP), I still wanted to do the best job that I could. But this school, and I’m sure many others, are so full of sh**.  Now, I’m beginning to think that being an RSP teacher will be fraught with bulls*** also. This is the reason that I stayed a housewife for so long. I didn’t want to work until I knew what I wanted to do and felt like it would be what was the best thing for me. I guess you can’t control life. It has its own plan.
Although I know what I want to do, I have been vacillating back and forth as to whether or not I want to move to a new school district. I have to ask myself questions though. Will it make a difference if I do? Is it only L.A.U.S.D. that is like this or is it all districts? Will it always be like this? Will I always have such an unsupportive administration? Will it matter, after awhile, that they are unsupportive? Why do administrators try to bully new staff members?

I started off on a horribly, bad note, so I can only conclude that it will end on a better one because I can only go up from here. I am thoroughly optimistic that God will bring me through this. I’m just going through the ringer now, but every beginning isn’t always the best. Here’s to the future and a better note. Let’s see what it holds.

Until next time!

A New Year, A New Note!

I have a lot on my mind. Although I love teaching, I don’t love the bulls***. It is not the children. Even though they act up, they are not the problem. The problem is the administration. I can’t see this being specific to the school that I’m at. I know that this problem is bigger than the school that I’m at.

I am living my worst fear. Even though I am doing a remarkable job, this job is not what I had in mind. My perfect job was as a K-2 Resource Specialist (RSP). However, all of my paperwork took so long that there were no RSP jobs available at the time that I applied.

I kinda’ knew that that was what was going to happen because I had started having dreams about myself being in a self-contained classroom. So when there were no RSP jobs available, I wasn’t really taken by surprise. I was forewarned.

Okay, on to the point. I have had a change of plans. Before I started my husband asked me what my ultimate goal was. At the time, I told him that it was to teach. Not to become an Assistant Principal or anything else. I just wanted to teach, I told him.

My plans have changed considerably. I have had such a negative experience in such a short time that I have decided that yes, I do want to still teach, but in some other capacity. I would love to work for a private organization as a studio teacher or an itinerant teacher where I don’t have anyone hovering over my shoulder.

My overall goal has not changed. I still very much want to teach and make a difference in children’s lives; especially those with learning disabilities. However, because of my low tolerance for bulls*** I’m just not sure that I will last long in the school district system.

I almost feel like a quitter, but I don’t because I’m being true to myself. I would feel more like a quitter if I gave up on my dreams of having a job that I love to go to despite what’s going on. I just wonder how differently I would look at things if I would have had great administrators and my situation would have been ideal. However, I know that life doesn’t work like that. So, I’ll just have to deal with things until they are not the way they are.

Until next time people!